Here are the overheads I made for Thursday if you want to see them again while you revise:
Fragments? Unheard of! Seriously. (You can!)
The shared, unsanitary bathrooms, probably carrying thousands of bacteria and diseases with them on the seats. Leaky pipes. Peeling paint. Damp, dark carpet. And lastly, my personal favorite, the sweat and cigarette-scented hallways so narrow they would give even the thinnest person alive claustrophobia.
I saw the boy stooping down, as if to pick up something of sentimental value. Then, his arm shot out so fast you would have thought he had super reflexes or something. I thought, “Ugh,” when I saw what he picked up. If that wasn’t enough, my stomach almost flipped out when I saw him put the thing into his mouth. He did it. The boy put a live cockroach into his mouth and ate it. Whole. Talk about 100% organic..
Replace summary with dialogue Half past five, Oh no, not again. They won’t understand.
“Where have you been?” questioned her Father. But it sounded too much like “You should’ve been here an hour ago to do your chores and help your brother.”
“What were you doing?” sounded like “Your food is cold, heat it up and eat. Quick. You have other things to do.”
“How was school?” sounded too much like “Try your best and get good grades. Did you?”
Sometimes the television blocked all the screeching screams blasting through Mary Anne’s ear. But today it was the only thing she could hear.
Create some tension! A great way to use your snapshot skills . . .
He stumbled in one night from doing god-knows-what, with god-knows-who and startled me scouting for his stash under his mattress. “Hey!” he barked, “What’cha lookin’ for in there?”
(...)
I just shrugged it off, mumbling, “Nothing.” It’s not like I was expecting a parade for snooping around his bed.
But doing a double take, there was something in his face that spoke more than what he could say. I’ve heard that people say only 10% of what they say with words and the rest is in your facial expression, your body language, and how you say it. Well, standing there and looking at me, Dad delivered an essay with his face. With the most powerful subtle combination of nerve impulses triggering his facial muscles in layers of meaning, he said he didn’t want to catch me looking under there again. He said “stay out” with his mouth, but not with his voice.
Play with Punctuation—Try something new! Original:
One day, at long last, her persistence was rewarded—a police report had been issued, singling out the gang in question: it was a group of high school dropouts, who had all gone to the same school as Iris at one point in time or another.
Alternative:
One day, at long last, her persistence was rewarded—a police report had been issued, singling out the gang in question—it was a group of high school dropouts; all had gone to the same school as Iris at one point in time or another.
Original:
Although she couldn’t figure it out quite yet, Iris knew there was a pattern to these murders—it was due to something a friend told her a long time ago.
Alternative:
Although she couldn’t figure it out quite yet—Iris knew there was a pattern to these murders—it was due to something a friend told her a long time ago.
Either way works! Make sure if you are using a semicolon though that it separates something which could be a sentence on its own. Conversely, make sure you don't just add commas where you could have another sentence (or use semicolons or m-dashes)--that will leave you wil run-ons.
Again, try some dialogue! Here are the two IM conversations I showed you for comparison:
3threat@hotletter.com: hey
lilqt@gletter.com: whatever
3threat@hotletter.com: whatever
lilqt@gletter.com: bye
3threat@hotletter.com: bye
3threat@hotletter.com: hey baby, you there?
lilqt@gletter.com: you want to talk about things here?! wow. you r classier than I thought!
3threat@hotletter.com: look, stop. i’m sorry. how many times do I have to say it I AM SORRY!
lilqt@gletter.com: no you’re not! you just got caught, like that Rihanna song. so just stop. it’s so over.
3threat@hotletter.com: i know i can’t change your mind. i know you. and i know it looks bad but that girl must have slipped that number in my pocket without me knowing. i did NOT ask for it, and i wouldn’t ever have even known about it if you hadn’t snooped in my stuff.
lilqt@gletter.com: so now i not only DON’T believe you, but i think you are ungrateful for calling me a snoop because
3threat@hotletter.com: hello?
lilqt@gletter.com: sorry, thought i heard a noise downstairs…as i was saying…because stupid you forgot to empty your pockets before your girl DID YOUR LAUNDRY FOR YOU!!!! HOW ABOUT A THANK YOU?!
3threat@hotletter.com: i’m sorry again, you’re right, i can’t say anything how i mean it, baby.
lilqt@gletter.com: don’t you keep calling me baGI;UJHBV q;bg ;’;’ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
3threat@hotletter.com: huh?
lilqt@gletter.com is signed off
3threat@hotletter.com: baby?
Become a filmmaker—use imagery (and all five senses) to create your scene
Lino reminisced when he and his wife would huddle together on the couch in the Philippines and watch soap operas all day. The aroma of freshly cooked adobo filled the air and the savory scent of kare-kare encased the kithen room; his wife was a fantastic cook.
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“AYE, YOU MOONG-KEY, I got that piece of fruit furst. Why you take frum me,” I heard some lady yell in broken English.
I could recognize that voice from anywhere, it was my mother in her faded washed out Hello-Kitty pajamas; my face flushed red from the embarrassment. I attempted to turn around and make a run, but it was too late, she had already recognized me, “SIU MING, SIU MING. Where you going? Ah Mah rai here.”
[...]
As I finally got in front of our housing complex, I turned around to see if any of my classmates had “accidentally” followed me, it was as deserted as the sale racks in Target after a Black Friday sale, and I could almost even hear the rats squeaking through the sewage pipes.
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